Healing the inner self..

While watching The Biggest Loser tonight, seeing some of the contestants talking about WHY they had gained all the weight and kept gaining it even though they knew it was killing them, I started thinking about my own "whys". I really believe that is the first step to truly overcoming this weight issue.

I have changed so much in recent years, well not recent, it has been an ongoing process over the last 8-9 years and I don't expect all my problems to disappear overnight simply by laying them out here for the world to see,or at least the few folks who follow this blog, but putting them down will at least, I don't know, cleanse my inner self maybe, and help me begin the healing process. At least I hope that's what will happen!

I was always an outgoing person, with lots of friends, I liked to dress nice and took care of myself and my appearance.. For too long now I have hidden away in my house, shying away from social contact. I also haven't given 2 figs about the way I look. I have used my weight as a wall  to hide behind and to keep folks away. When you are obese you tend to become invisible and that is what I wanted to be. Invisible.

Three failed marriages pretty much destroyed the old me, including my self confidence, my beliefs, made me afraid of letting anyone close enough to hurt me again, and taught me that I couldn't trust anybody but myself,and not even myself half the time.

So I hid, I ate, I let myself go and except for several brief (failed...mostly due to my own self doubts btw) attempts to rejoin the world, told myself that this was how I wanted to be. Alone with my kids and safe.

But you know what? I was lying to myself. Sure safe is a wonderful feeling and I do love being with my kids. But this is NOT the life I envisioned for myself or my family. It is not  healthy for any of us. It is time for me to put the past where it belongs, behind me. To stop hiding behind a shield  of flab and begin living, before it's too late. To pursue certain goals that I have had my whole life.

I need to begin seeing myself as a person of worth if I want to change the way my life is heading,  to find ME again. In the long run this will not only benefit my emotional and physical health, but I know it will also benefit the lives of my kids and my grandson.

Will it be easy to rid myself of all the baggage I've been carrying around for years? Nope. But it sure will be worth it and I am eagerly looking forward to meeting the woman I know I can be!